Johanna's Thoughts...

Obedience

2012-02-09T03:14:00.001-08:00

A few months ago I had asked God to change me and to help me forgive someone. It was a prayer I didn't think God would take me serious on, but He did. I'll explain more about that but first I want to talk about this past weekend.

This past weekend I went on the Vine retreat not expecting God to work on me. I went thinking I was only going to serve. On one of the nights (or day... my sense of time was all messed up over there...) Devi Titus gave a message about rebellion, and for the first time I realized I had it in me. God pounded on my heart with that message. And while everyone else was celebrating their freedom and breakthroughs, I just couldn't. Instead I prayed "don't let me stay the same..." over and over again. I was afraid that my conviction was only going to be a feeling instead of a reason to change. The last thing I wanted to do was to go home and "pick up where I left off" with things. I wanted to go home and start all over again.

Now to cover more about the first part I mentioned...

After I had asked God to change me, my little 8-year-old brother, Peter came to live with us. For the past few months I've felt like a mother. I get him up and ready, I take him to school, I pick him up, I feed him, I wash his clothes, I help him with his homework, I take him with me places, I make sure he showers... Basically, everything. Come to today, I was having a very difficult time with Peter. He wasn't listening to me and only kept mocking me. The more he rebelled, the more frustrated I got. Not even just frustrated, but actually hurt. Finally, I went to my bedroom and just cried. Not just because he wasn't listening to me (and hasn't been for the past few months...), but because I was reminded of how I treated my mom when I was a kid/teen. During my school days, I can honestly say most of the memories I had with my mom were of her yelling at me. Yelling at me to get out of bed, yelling at me to do my homework, yelling at me to go to bed... right down to even yelling at me to get in the car to go to school. Even with all her yelling though, I STILL never listened to her. I got in such a bad habit of never doing my homework and staying up all night that it finally caught up with me. Not only did I fail seventh grade, but I was asked not to come back to my school anymore because of my grades. (Yes, private schools do that...)

As of right now, I don't have an education higher than a 7th grade level. To be honest, I don't know if my education is even at THAT, considing I didn't pay attention in class or do my homework for the last two years of school. To sum all that up, disobedience basically ruined my education. I realize it's not too late to redeem my education, but that's beside my point.

I was broken by my disobedience through all these years. Not only toward my mom, but toward God. At the time I was a kid, I had no idea what my future would look like. My mom had an idea because she was better experienced. She knew the importance of school. I see it the same way with God... He KNOWS our future. I don't think He's stating it lightly when He says "I KNOW the plans I have for you..." (Jeremiah 29:11). He's giving us a reason to stay obedient to Him, to follow Him, and to trust in HIS understanding; not our own. (Proverbs 3:5)

Disobedience comes from selfishness. Disobedience comes when our focus is only on us. It's shutting out all other knowledge, all other wisdom, all other understanding, all other experience. It's focusing on "the cravings of our sinful nature", it's doing EXACTLY the OPPOSITE of what Proverbs 3:5 says and it's leaning ONLY on our own understanding! For if we had even the slightest understanding of the future that God has for us, we wouldn't do the stupid things we do! We disobey because we don't understand. We don't understand God's plans and we don't understand the consequences disobedience leads to. So this is what it comes down to... TRUST. TRUST in the Lord with all your heart! (Proverbs 3:5)

I can't disobey everything my mom says if I truly trust her. Peter can't disobey everything I say if he truly trusts me. I wouldn't DARE disobey God if I truly trusted Him and the plans He has for me! Rebellion is pretty much coming to face with a truth or an order and rejecting it; simply because we don't understand the depth of its importance.

God has so much to work on in me, but I guess the best way to start is by revealing and getting rid of the things that will keep me from learning and being changed. I don't want to "have it my way" anymore, because apparently my way leads to no good. I either trust in Him or prepare to suffer the consequences that my sinful cravings will lead me to. I don't know what that looks like yet, but if God revealed this much, I'm sure He won't leave me in the dark now...

Not only have I learned all this, but I have learned that if I expect Peter to be obedient, I have to be an example and be obedient too. What a humbling lesson to learn...

Untitled

2011-11-01T13:27:00.001-07:00

I can't help but wonder why I live every day. To be honest, if I didn't believe in God, I would have taken my own life when I was 16 And even since then I've considered it a few times. But something someone told me when I was 16 stuck with me... They told me that suicide is selfish. You're hurting the people around you because of a choice you make. But suicide is a sensitive subject so I'll stop there and make my point...

The reason we were given life is to give ALL glory to God. That WHATEVER we do, we do for God.

"everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.”

~Isaiah 43:7

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

~1 Corinthians 10:31

So with that said; my reason for living is for God. It would be selfish of me to think that I'm living for any other reason... especially for myself.

And then there's the fact that I am always reminded of how much God is in control. Life is crazy... but God is in control no matter what.

Victory Through Christ!

2011-10-26T00:02:00.001-07:00

I'm horrible with words and even worse at expressing myself in person.

God has been good. He's teaching me a lot and doing something amazing... not sure what it is exactly, all I know is that it's something. God is not an idle God. He is ALWAYS at work. I am seeking, seeking, and seeking God's approval of something before I can share, but I'm not worried about it. If He says no, then I know what my next consistent prayer will be. If He says yes... well... that would be a miracle and I would forever be thankful of that.

God is changing me... and I had it confirmed that He wants to change me based on what happened on Sunday...

I have been seeking to be changed. Not by family, not by friends (brothers or sisters), not by men, and certainly not by myself... but by God. By God alone do I want to be changed. So I've been praying, praying, praying...

Well, on Sunday I was busy. As soon as I woke up I took a shower, took Peter to the movies, then took him shopping to get some clothes. I wouldn't have thought the shopping part would be hard, but I guess I didn't realize how easily 8-year-olds get distracted by every little thing and wonder off every two minutes. After shopping I went to Jack in the Box to get Peter and Jeremiah dinner (the Jack In The Box on the same intersection corner I got in my car accident... not fun.). Anyway, long story short; I didn't want to go to church on Sunday night. Not only was I tired from lack of rest through the week and taking care of Peter all day Sunday (and every day); but driving and fighting for parking was not in my top interests that day either. I'm driving a temporary car for a little while so I'm not too comfortable with driving it yet. So if I didn't feel like going to Revival on Sunday night; who was going to hold me accountable to going anyway? So as I'm shopping for Peter, this crazy brother texts me asking if I'm going to Revival. I gave him my excuse for not wanting to go... but then he offered to help me... so I had no more excuse not to go. To sum it up: I ended up going to Revival. And the message was about God changing us. It was just what I needed to hear. Not only that, but I realized how much I needed to be reminded of how much God has ALREADY changed me, because I saw Pastor Danny and that's exactly what he did... he reminded me how much God has already done in me.

All this to say... God has confirmed that He wants to change me and CAN change me... because He already HAS changed me before. God is good but I'm aware it's only going to get tougher from here. The enemy has already tried tearing down what God has built up (MULTIPLE times... which overall lead to my car accident...). But at this point, it's either stand firm or don't stand at all... there is no in-between. And I figure since I've broken my leg so many times trying to stand firm, I can't just give up now. All that brokenness would be for nothing if I give up now. God is good, and God is most certainly greater than the enemy. Since we already have victory- anything the enemy tries to do between the beginning and the end is just to keep our focus off of the fact that we already won. The only things that can be taken from us are earthly things. Everything else has already been conquered by that Holy blood shed on the cross! Christ is KING and no one can overstep His authority! And we are sons and daughters of the King! No one can overstep what has been given to us through Christ! All GLORY, HONOR AND POWER IS HIS! Amen! : )

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2011-10-02T04:27:00.001-07:00

This weekend was pretty good. For months the women leaders of The Vine have been planning the Arise womens conference. When I first heard that "Walking in Healing" was going to be one of the topics they were going to cover, I had it already planned out that that one was going to be the first one I was going to hear. For month I had been waiting to hear that message; for them to cover the one topic no one ever talks about. I'll be honest and say that I did have very high expectations. Well anyway, the day finally came today, October 1st. But for that 50 minutes of sitting in my seat not a single one of my needs was met. DEFINITELY not a single expectation. I'm not worried though; because I know the message might have been for someone else, not me.

There was only one thing that I found interesting... not completely TRUE, but interesting. The speaker said (and this is not an exact quote) that if we have boundary issues, to look at our past and see if there was a sign of boundary issues in our family. She said that if we don't respect other people's boundaries it is most likely because someone didn't respect ours. The idea settled in my mind for a few minutes because it kinda made sense to me... but I didn't believe it was completely true. Making sense of things in our minds doesn't always equal truth. To make my reason clearer I would have to confess something which I'm not willing to do publicly, but I will do my best to try to explain...

I think we often come up with too many excuses for our actions. Though it would be so much more freeing to blame my actions on my history with other people, I can't. I am 22. I am my own decision-making-machine by now.

-I think of it as a computer: I once used to share a computer with my family... and that computer had a virus that definitely influenced the way things worked on our computer... But I have my own computer now. What virus was on that computer cannot transfer onto mine. My own actions are what causes my own virus at this point. Though I came from my mother's body, I am not one spirit with her. I am my own (but God's) spirit with my own convictions and consequences. Just because someone crossed my boundaries in the past, it doesn't give me the right or excuse to cross someone else's. Why do we choose to simplify the true complexity of who God created each one of us to be by letting influence dictate our actions?? Our sin caused by the influence of others is no more excusable than our sin caused by the influence of our own desires. Influence simply just hands us another option, but it is up to us to make the decision.

HOWEVER... I do believe that history could be the reason for a lot of fears in our life. For example... I might be horrible at setting boundaries because I'm afraid someone is going to cross them anyway. So not only do I deal with disrespect toward my boundaries, I deal with failure at trying to prevent something that is going to happen anyway... Which for me leads to humiliation. Of course, it's no excuse to have low boundaries, but it's something I still need to learn how to get over.

Or for someone who deals with not being able to trust people because of something someone did to them. It's something that they need to learn how to do. So in cases like these, history becomes more of a hindrance because of fear than it is a decision to "do unto others what they DID do unto you". Fear can hinder us from making decisions... which overall, really, can also turn into a sin; because it can cause disobedience. And disobedience is a sin.

And of course, I also believe that history can influence us to make positive actions. To make this one simple, it's looking at the bad history and using it to motivate you not to repeat any mistakes done by others either in general or done to you. So history can also motivate us to NOT make obvious mistakes.

But no matter the situation, I think we as humans give too much credit to the past and not enough credit to the plans God has for us in the future. History isn't what makes us, God is what makes us. It all just comes down to allowing ourselves to be transformed by God completely. We can't let our past make half of our identity and let God be the other half of our identity. We have to let God be our WHOLE identity- in every action, thought and motivation.

This all makes sense to me... but it doesn't mean it's true. I didn't use one Scripture to back it up. But I say all this to say... I refuse to let MY past be a "reason" for why I sin now and in the future.

Writing Problem...

2011-09-23T11:23:00.001-07:00

I'm really disappointed that I don't blog as much anymore. I'm trying to get back into it though... I remember on myspace when I had control myself not to post MORE than one blog a day. Now I'm lucky if I'm able to post even ONE in a month! The frustrating thing is that I have a lot to say... all the time... but I'm afraid to put it into words where someone might read it. Honestly, a lot of the reason I don't post anymore is because I'm afraid of saying something that doesn't line up with Scripture. I really don't want to state my "opinions" because "opinions" are wayy too common these days. There's too many opnions and not enough Scripture. But if I write about Scripture, I want to make sure I understand the context and meaning of it first... something I've been learning for the past few months. To be honest I'm actually very paranoid about what I say... It's pretty ridiculous. I started my last blog at about 10:30 or 11:00 last night... didn't finish it till about 2:45am. It's not that it was a tough subject or that I couldn't think anymore; I'm just very careful about what I say and how I say it. I don't even know how many blogs I've started but haven't finished this year... they're all just sitting there saved as "drafts". The thing with words is that you can't take them back once you put them out there. That's why when I speak to people I'm either being the quiet one or the one who's taking forever to say something. Haha and I feel bad but that's also why I'll start to say something but change my mind and say "never mind...". Writing (even though I LOVE it) doesn't come easy to me anymore.

But even with all that said, that's still not the only reason I don't post anymore. A lot of it actually has to do with time. I'd be willing to sit at the computer every night for four hours until I'm able to post something, but I don't have that kind of time anymore. I'm out most of the day and by the time I come home I'm too tired to think.

And I'm aware that not a lot of (if even ANY) people probably read all my posts... and to be honest... I'm totally okay with that!

Now that I've said all that, whether there was a point to it or not... I have just tricked myself into posting another blog... which makes me one step closer to getting back into the habit! ; D

Prayback Not Payback! ; )

2011-09-23T02:47:00.001-07:00

I've been learning a lot lately and I get the feeling I'm going to have to learn even harder things in the near future. The toughest thing for me to do right now is to have self control. Lately I've been tempted to react in a non-Christ-like way. But hey... I'm hanging in there! : )

But because of this I've been thinking about a lot. How DO we react to people who purposely try to push our buttons? My frustration is not being to do anything when someone else says harsh things either to me or about me. I can tell you that in the past I've handled it the way that I wanted to... and let me just say that it never worked out.

I have come to a conclusion that being a Christ-like, loving human being is the best "comeback" we can have as a Christian. What breaks people? Love brings down walls- hate drives people over the edge and provoke's them to do unreasonable things. Every time we act in a cruel or abusive way it changes us a little in a negative way. It only feeds our self-loving fire making it easier to do just a little more damage every time we are faced with a situation. So if we care even in the slightest about who we are as a human being, we would think twice before acting out in hate or frustration next time. But if we care even in the slightest about who we are as a Christian... ha... we should be doing even better than that. We should take it from a level of "not acting out in hate" and bring it up to "acting out in love". Which brings it around to this Scripture...

"You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth. But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles."

~Matthew 5:38-41

NOW WITH ALL THIS SAID... I know it's not easy. I can't count how many times I've messed up. After getting in the habit of doing what I wanted to do, it was hard for me to react in a Christian way the last time I was faced with a situation. But I held my tongue even if it brought me suffering... In fact, I've been biting my tongue for six months now so I'm pretty sure my tongue is bleeding by now. I've been begging God for justice. But on Tuesday I realized that the only thing I CAN do is be a Christian in the way I know how. If I can't act in love then I should at least be praying. So I started praying this week... lol... and no... I still don't feel any better... but I realized being a Christian isn't about how we "feel", it's about how we ACT. And when we pray, we have victory.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you"

~Matthew 5:43-44

So my goal is to pray until something happens. : )

But anyway... have more but apparently 2:45 in the morning is a difficult time for me to think!

The Body of Christ

2011-07-21T14:37:00.001-07:00

"At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion’s mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen."

~2 Timothy 4:16-18

I can't stop thinking about this verse. I've probably said this verse to myself every day for the past month... because it sums up how I've felt most of my life; "At my first defense, no one came to my support...", how true that is... until now. Now I'm trying to get used to people trying to look out for me even when I "don't" want them to. I have a protective brother and a comforting sister that holds me accountable who both build me up so that I'm prepared to do my part as well. But shouldn't we ALL have that with each other?

Dear brothers and sisters,

The church is in need. But before I begin, let me apologize for not doing my part in the past or failing to do my part in the future. My intention is not to point out the speck in the church's eye (Matthew 7:3), but to show the NEED in the church so that we can be encouraged to change things. Let me share just a paragraph of the book God has been writing in my life, titled "Things I'm Learning"...

It wasn't until I felt the need to confess a sin (James 5:16) that I realized there are very few people I could confess it to. My fear about opening up to my sisters (in Christ) is that they'll have a negative reaction to what I say, or they'll simply just tell me what I "want" to hear. And the men of the church have all become looked at as "potential husbands" that we have limited their role as men to just that and nothing more (most of the time...). We have learned not to reach out to them unless there is an intention of marriage in the future. By doing this though, we have lost communication and have become THE BODY OF WOMEN OF CHRIST, or the BODY OF MEN OF CHRIST instead of what God calls us to be... which is ONE body; THE BODY OF CHRIST (1 Corinthians 12:27). I understand boundaries and I don't ask that you abandon all boundaries, but please don't separate the Body of Christ because of them. Be wise but don't be closed off! My hope for the women is that we will be able to trust each other and be mindful of how we act toward our brothers. The way we dress can easily harm our brothers; do we realize this? Are we being mindful of their purity? Just because we're not married to them doesn't mean we don't have a part in their Spiritual health.

Another thing I've realized is the lack of trust between us... how did this come to be? But most importantly... how are we going to fix it? Do we care to fix it or have we just become too comfortable with the problem that we just don't see the need for a solution anymore?

And my hope for the men is that I will be able to go to church knowing that they will be protective instead of harmful. That they will be the protectors and not the predators. All I can say to the men is to be mindful of the women's hearts... Don't tell them one thing and act out another. Be intentional!

When we all learn our roles, we can take care of each other. When we take care of each other, then we can be the Body of Christ that God asks us to be. We cannot do God's work alone; our NEED is for each other. We need each other's cooperation.

"The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!”

~1 Corinthians 12:21

"so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it."

~1 Corinthians 12:25-27

I have much to say on this subject, but a blog will not do it justice. I've learned a lot, and God has confirmed a lot... these are not just "feelings" I have that I felt like sharing. If you are curious to know how God has been working and what He has been revealing, please feel free to ask me. God's work is no secret, so I have no shame in sharing.

Fall

2011-06-07T02:07:00.001-07:00

I'm amazed that God can take any broken thing and make it beautiful. The way I see it, we're kinda like trees... we have beautiful leaves that sometimes fall off, but we can always be encouraged that new ones will always grow back in. And if leaves aren't falling, they're at least changing color.

Recently though, I've recognized God to pick up every piece of me that has ever broken off. And in the moment, I couldn't help but ask "Why? What is the point of this?"; but then I find out that with every piece that fell, God collected them and turned them into art.

So with that said, keep in mind that God is a pure Artist. He would have to be to create this world, right? He couldn't possibly be considered anything less than a genius Artist. Yet we fight God for the paintbrush every time we panic, thinking our shakey hands could do any better or make any more sense out of the picture. But in the midst of every difficult season, God continues to bless us. He said Himself that He will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5, Deuteronomy 31:6). When you're breaking in pieces, remember that God is collecting every piece that falls so that He can turn it into art. It's not His intention for us to break, but it's His concern to turn it into something good when we do.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

~ Romans 8:28

So have patience and have faith. And when you don't have the energy to pray, remember this also...

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."

~ Romans 8:26

I wish I could say more but I can't. I'm out of words but full of joy just by knowing who God is and what He's done in my life. There is no number great enough to describe how many times God has blessed me.

Untitled

2011-04-19T11:17:00.001-07:00

Google Mapping God

2010-11-17T11:51:00.000-08:00

Last night I was listening to a song called "What Would Jesus Do?", and while I do love the song, it made me realize just how many questions we ask. We ask so many questions that it gives the impression that we're trying to look at "the big picture" (God) to try to understand Him more... But I personally think that's a problem.

I look at it as Google Maps: It you zoom into the map you can see the detail of everything, but if you zoom out of the map you can see the whole picture. I see us viewing God the same way...
While everyone is asking their own questions, my question is this: Why are we trying to look at "the big picture" if the picture will always be too big to see? We zoom out on God so much that we miss the special details of who He is and what He's doing.
The fact is: We can zoom out and try to look at God as a whole picture, but He will never be a picture that can be fully seen.

All this doesn't apply so much to those who don't believe (though it can), but to those who DO believe yet still try to figure out what they can't. In the meantime, they're missing the special details of God! We don't KNOW Him because we're asking too many questions. We're standing from a distance thinking we'll find the answers from far away!

The best information you can get comes from an actual relationship with God. Have you prayed lately? Do you even KNOW what prayer can do? Have you read what GOD says about who He is? Have you even considered that it's the TRUTH?
The problem is we search for God our own way (and end up finding other things) and don't even consider His way...

"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."
~ Jeremiah 33:3

Have we become so obsessed with our own "knowledge" that we refuse to search for the Truth? We (as Christians) sometimes try to examine God as if He's some kind of magical object, and don't see His character as our Father. A Father who loves us and wants nothing more than to take care of us. The best way we can receive information is from the source itself, and God has NOT eliminated Himself as a source of information, so why are we looking to other people and books and things? Why is God not good enough to provide us with what we need to know? Or is faith just too tiring for us to live by?

God is a picture that we will never be fully able to zoom out on because He's completely eternal. It's impossible to get to the end of eternal! But go ahead and wear yourself out trying to get there... but even I can tell you it's not God your looking for, it's knowledge.

We're way too concerned about what God looks like from a far point of view that we're missing the details of His character.
He is God
He is our Father
He is our Rock
He is our Salvation
He loves us
He provides for us
He takes care of us
He speaks to us
He died for us
He forgives us
He is eternal
He is preparing a place for us
He saves us
He protects us
He is our strength
He is our Creator
He is powerful
He is gracious
He gives life
He takes life
He IS Life
He knows our thoughts
He knows our worries
He knows our struggles
He answers our prayers
He desires our hearts
He doesn't change
He is exactly who He says He is
He turns bad into good
He hears our cries
He is by our side
He is our Shepherd
He is our King
He is our everything
He is more than we'll ever know!

When it's your time to be judged, He's not going to care about your knowledge... He's going to care about your heart and how you lived for Him. So stop zooming out on a picture that comes with so much detail! Get to know your relationship with Him above anything else, and THEN things that matter will be revealed to you! : )
(Things I learned through experience.)

God's Will?

2010-11-10T14:23:00.000-08:00

I'm leaning completely on God to take care of all friendships, relationships, struggles, worries, thoughts and feelings. I find that the more I trust God, the more joy I have in any situation I face. My life-prayer right now is that I would pray so much that my knees would be bruised. And though I'm struggling with some people right now, what gives me the right to stop praying for them? I don't have those kind of rights... God calls the shots around here!

I'm just learning so much about Him right now, and I honestly haven't been in His Word this much at any point in my life than right now. It's amazing how much more clarity I have now. He continues to speak to me though I've ignored Him so much lately.
His will is too big for me to understand, but His path is bright enough for me to see; therefore, I will follow what I can see and trust what I can't. As long as God is at the other end of the tunnel there is no reason why I should have fear. His walk is my walk and my walk is His. <3

I found some verses as I've been reading that backup why it's okay for me to be doing some of the things I felt were right all along. I shouldn't feel guilty because a person tells me I'm wrong about something that I know God is telling me to do. Other people's disbelief shouldn't effect my walk in the slightest, and I refuse to let it! God is watching everything I do so I gotta make it count!

Last night I had a dream that a homeless family was living with me, so it makes me wonder what God's will is for me. I can't stop thinking about homeless people though, it's been like this for about a month. I'm wondering if God is calling me to do some kind of homeless ministry, I have thought about it and have come up with some kind of idea I'd want to do but I don't know. I'm still praying on where God wants me. I just have to listen carefully!

You Put This Love In My Heart

2010-11-09T12:08:00.000-08:00

"I found it hard to believe
Someone like you cared for me
You put this love in my heart
I tried but could not refuse
You gave me no time to choose
You put this love in my heart

I want to know where the bad feelings go
When I'm depressed and I get down so low
And then I see you coming to me and it's alright

I want to tell you right now
I'm not afraid to say how
You put this love in my heart
There are sometimes when I doubt
But you always find me out
You put this love in my heart

'Cause when I see all that you've done for me
It's hard to doubt, I just have to believe
'Cause you followed and proved it all of your life

Well I know
The loneliness I had before
Is gone now
I'll never feel it anymore

'Cause your love has released me
From all that's in my past and I know I can believe you
When you say I'll never be forsaken
Your love is gonna last

There's so much I should say
If I could just find a way
You put this love in my heart
Is all this real or a dream
I feel so good I could scream
You put this love in my heart

I want to know where the bad feelings go
When I'm depressed and I get down so low
And then I see you coming to me and it's alright

You put this love in my heart
You put this love in my heart
You put this love in my heart"

~ "You Put This Love In My Heart" by Keith Green

Mighty To Save

2010-10-29T00:54:00.000-07:00

God's love is soo good. : )

I just wanted to share a story that happened yesterday (it's a new A.M. now).

I started working with my dad in March this year. Every day since I've been working there, there's this guy who rents out half of my dad's warehouse/garage/shop, so his office is right next to us. He always comes in and out of our office, but the most we've spoken to each other is "hello". But even with such a short word and not knowing him at all, I've felt a burden to pray for him for these 7 months. Though I never got to it cause I still wasn't sure if God was calling me to be a "prayer warrior" for him.

This past Wednesday as I was reversing out of the driveway of work, I was saying to myself "I really feel like I need to pray for this guy now...". I still wanted confirmation from God though...

So yesterday (Thursday), I got to work and sat down in this chair in my dad's office. The guy was in or came and sat in the chair next to me, and he and my dad started talking. Then my dad gets up and walks outside, so now it's just me and this guy in silence. I was nervous because I wanted to say something about God but didn't know how to bring it up. So as I was panicking in my mind, he starts speaking to me. He asks "Do you go to school?" and I said no. Then he asks "What do you do?". First I answered "I work here..." then the light bulb in my mind went on and I realized this was the opening I needed so I added "... and I'm very involved with church". We talked a little about it and then it was quiet again, so I got the courage to ask "Do you go to church?"... And that opened up more conversation. He told me how he didn't really believe in any religion or one specific God, but that was the confirmation I needed just the day before... I needed a strong reason to pray for him.

It was no coincidence that I ended up talking to him about God the day after I had been burdened about it when through all the seven months we hadn't spoken more than a "hello".

I'm so thankful to serve a God who knows how to listen and to speak to me. He knows every worry and every thought. He's truly mighty to save. : )

Judgment VS Accountability

2010-10-14T12:29:00.000-07:00

I think a lot of people get confused with the difference between "judging" and "holding someone accountable".
Sin is really not at all what other people think about you, it's what God thinks about you. If someone points out your sin, it shouldn't be offensive unless it is in fact NOT a sin that you are committing. That's where it's really important to line up what God says with the actions of your life. Ask yourself, "What am I doing to give people the wrong impression?". If someone points something out specifically, we have to look at where it came from: Did they say it because they have something against you or because God Himself speaks about it in His Word? Sometimes people feel "judged" because they know they're doing something they're not supposed to be doing.

I remember a year ago I felt "judged" because I was hanging out (a lot) with someone who didn't follow God. Now I look back and see those people felt uncomfortable about me hanging out with that person because they cared about my walk with God and saw something I didn't. Scripture was pointed out to me but I thought "Oh that doesn't apply to me..."... YES IT DOES!
Did hanging out with that person cause me to sin? YES! Was God displeased? YES! Did it matter what my friends thought? YES! Because they were looking out for me!
If a friend is letting you play with fire because they're worried about offending you, it's time to get new friends...
Who IS our truest friend anyway? Isn't every believer's best friend Jesus, the One who gave His life for us? What does HE say about what you're doing?

Friends... Everything you do should line up with Scripture, and if it's not, then you really need to consider what your friends are telling you...
As hard as it is to believe, they're doing it because they care and don't want to see you fall, not because they have nothing better to do than "judge" their friends because they're jealous of their sin or something?

"Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted." (Galatians 6:1)
If this offends you, ask yourself why it offends you then examine your lifestyle... DOES it line up with what GOD says?
"... But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted." - There's only so much a friend can do for you so consider what's offered to you and be thankful that someone cares enough about you to say something.

I don't say all this to say anything against anyone, I say this because I too have been there and have realized the truth behind being "judged" compared to being "held accountable". : )

Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bad dreams bite...

2010-07-28T23:19:00.000-07:00

In the past 35 days I've had 4 dreams about guns; the first one I got shot and was dying, the second one I was sleeping with a gun in order to hide it from some people who were trying to kill me, the third I was outside of a college and some guy started shooting and almost killed one of my friends, and the fourth I was at a gas station that was being robbed, and outside the window I could see a group of guys with guns standing by the gas pumps.

I've had so many dreams come true in the past, it's not even funny... mostly. ; )
But in the summer of 2006 I had about four bad dreams (that I can remember) come true. I don't assume every dream I have is gonna come true now, but I can't say that I don't have the fear that it might sometimes.
I don't expect that I'll be shot or robbed just because I'm having these dreams, but I am without a doubt afraid of guns right now... and certain people in white shirts.

But all this makes me wonder... Why don't any of my good dreams ever happen? I mean, one time I had a dream that Tom Welling, while kneeling on one knee, said to me: "One day, Johanna, you will be successful..." (then he flew away).
Or how about the dream where my 15-year-old brother became this strong, prayer warrior Christian? Or where my friend stands up in the middle of church, smiling, and says: "I'll pray!"?

I'm at a point in my life where I'm really questioning the meaning of dreams. I keep going through seasons where I have repetitive dreams for a little while before it changes to another theme, and then repeats itself.

What do my dreams mean and is it stupid of me to fear the bad ones?
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

Silent Expressions

2010-02-10T02:46:00.000-08:00

I wish I could write blogs like I used to, but my experiences with God have changed. As of right now, I'm not able to talk about much on how "God speaks", "God provides", "God loves", or to "Keep praying". No; this time my experiences have been rather different in a more faith-testing way.

I still believe that if you ask God to speak to you, He will. Or if you keep praying, He'll show through. Or if you give to God, He'll give back. He HAS done all of these things, and He HAS proven Himself to me many times that He is a faithful God to our needs, desires and prayers. And silly of me to think that these are the only ways God can teach me something. But He's shown me differently...
- Lately when I've been asking God to speak to me, or to use me, I hear nothing but silence the next day. When I pray hard on something, the thing I'm praying for only gets harder. But instead of all the usual loud reactions God always used to "spoil" me with, He reacts in silence.
Instead of words, He uses hints. I wish I could SO better explain this, or give an example of what I mean, but I can't. I'll try though.

Sometimes God's reactions to our needs or prayers aren't words or actions, sometimes they just take a simple face-expression as a hint of what He's trying to say. It almost feels like graduating to another level to test us on what we learned the previous level. I always feel God around, I know He's around, I know He's listening to me, I know He cares... the only difference is, I have to look past a familiar voice and count on a silent face-expression to let me know these things. I don't even know for how long my prayers have been nothing but:
-"God, speak to me please!"
"God, where were you today? I couldn't hear you!"

-"God, please hear my prayers!"
"God, nothing's been happening! Are you telling me to take a break from praying for this?"

I began to question if God was getting tired of me. I lost all energy for Him and didn't know what to do. After a while of feeling like this, I realized that my faith was based on the obvious things God was doing and saying, instead of the silent things God was doing and saying. He wasn't ignoring what faith I did have in Him, He was trying to bring out another faith I didn't have in Him. In order to strengthen one sense, you have to close another, right?
I sure couldn't hear God anymore, but He taught me how to read silence. He taught me how to read His lips and to learn that a smile didn't mean He was up to one of His invisible tests again... but that a smile meant He was with me through whatever test I was in.
His eyes weren't shut at me, they were sparkling with excitement for the plans He has for me.
My faith was in what I've seen God already do, not in what He can and will do.
Because He made me weak in one area, I was able to become stronger in another.

God's been silent for a long time now... but He sure hasn't been absent. His comfort and wisdom wasn't in His words this time, but in His face.

NOT ONLY did God strengthen my faith in Him through His silence, but He helped me strengthen my faith in myself. It was in His silence that I was able to hear myself. I was able to better understand what it is I truly desire and need. My voice became louder and I learned not to settle on every stupid choice I'm offered. Instead of expecting God to strike every harmful person that came near me, I just learned not to be stupid enough to put myself in those situations anymore.

I've learned way more than I can explain... and I can't wait to see what God does with all of this. Once again... even when He's quiet He comes through for us! : )

He showed me who He is in a whole new way...

Fear Thou Not

2010-02-08T00:53:00.000-08:00

Tonight was a decent night. : )

Wednesday was a pretty great day though. Well, more like a good night... Shall I explain? : )
- For the past month I've been praying that God would take away my fears. Everyone tells me how afraid I am of everything. I can't believe that I've been introduced as "Afraid of Everything"... MY NAME IS JOHANNA! ; )
Recently someone even called me Piglet; because I'm small and afraid of everything. So my mom was cleaning out her garage, and she had a Piglet doll still in the box, and she asked us if we wanted it. So I took it.
It now sits on my desk next to my bed. At first I didn't want it because I didn't like that it stood for "me being afraid of everything", but then I wanted it so it could motivate me to take my fear problem serious and pray on it. And I have been. My theme for this year is "GET OVER FEAR!".

So that's been on my mind for the past week or two.
On Wednesday night, February 3rd, I walked into Life Group at Amanda's. As soon as I walked inside, Amanda gave me a big, white envelope that said "To: Johanna Prousalis". She said it was in The Vine's mailing box or something, but she didn't know who it was from; and the only other thing written on it was "Vine". So I had no idea what it was. I shook it, it sounded like keys.
"Keys? That wouldn't sense, I have the only keys I own..."
So I opened it. I STOPPED BREATHING the second I saw them... MY DOG TAGS! I GOT THEM BACK!
What significance do these dog tags have? I'll tell you...
These were dog tags I had with me all the time. These are one of the most special things I own.
But as motivation for me to get my GED, I gave them to a friend and told her "Don't give these back to me until I get my GED. If I beg for them, don't give in!".
WELL that was back in August of 2007!
There were three dog tags:
One of them was a red one that said "Alpha" on it in Greek with a Bible verse on the back.
Another one was made by my old youth group leader on August 10th, 2007.
It says:
"Johanna Prousalis
God = My Strength
Phil. 4:13
Stay Strong
Trust God..."

And finally... the most important one (that I've had since early May, 2004)...
"FEAR NOT"! With a Bible verse on the back:
"Fear not, for I am with you; Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10

EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO BE REMINDED OF! I know this verse by heart (in two versions : ), and I used to constantly hold on to this dog tag whenever I was afraid or nervous to remind me of that verse.
That friend who was holding on to them recently moved to Germany, but the last time I spoke to her, she told me she was gonna give my dog tags to someone else to hold onto. She made it clear she wasn't giving them back to me though... : (
So I don't know who she gave them to, but whoever it was, God decided to give them back to me instead. Not because I achieved my goal of getting my GED (pathetic, I know...), but because He knew I needed them to constantly remind me to not be afraid.
And you better believe I started crying when I got them back... : )

Yay! God listens! I knew He did... I'm just glad He decided to remind me though. : )

So that is my goal for this year... to "FEAR NOT"
2006 was my year of "Searching for God",
2007 was "Growing in God"
2008 was "Healing"
2009 was "Testing and Brokenness"
And 2010 shall now be "Facing Fears"... unless something happens and God decides to throw me in a crazy-different direction...

And now... I'M SO EXCITED FOR THE VINE RETREAT!!! : D

Martyrs

2009-10-14T01:44:00.000-07:00

Words can't explain how sick and disgusted I feel right now. I just watched this horror movie by myself in my room, and I think it scarred me for life. All through the movie I was doing fine, it wasn't so "scary" after all. It was, however, pretty disturbing. The end was the worst though. That was what really got to me. A movie has never made me feel like this before. When the movie was over, I was still lying on my bed with the TV on and I seriously couldn't move. When I stood up, I was shaking and could barely walk right. I went in the bathroom cause I thought I was about to throw up. I think this movie was worse than any of the "Saw" movies I've watched. And it makes me even more sick to know that there's people in the world out there that actually come up with these ways to torture people. They don't just think of these twisted stories, but they actually put them in movies for stupid people like me to get sucked into and watch.
This world sickens me... And now I feel bad for encouraging such a twisted world by watching a movie it created. Blegh... I still feel sick and can't wait to return the stupid, disgusting movie to Blockbuster tomorrow. BLEGGHHH!

October 11th: The "Change My Life" Day

2009-10-10T06:49:00.000-07:00

I just read what the weather's supposed to be like this week, and sadly, that was the most exciting thing that's happened to me in the past few days. It's apparently supposed to rain on Wednesday and Thursday! : D

Anyway...

I couldn't sleep last night. Not so much couldn't, but more just didn't feel like it. Yesterday around 1am I realized that I am where I was exactly one year ago today... and that is not a good thing.

At around 8pm tonight it will be exactly one year since I went on that camping trip that changed my life, and I am quite disappointed with where things have ended up since then. I feel like someone hit the "Recall" button on the remote and took me back to the same channel I thought I was leaving behind.
Now, October 10th, 2008 was when I got to the campsite; but October 11th was the night that actually changed my life. All it took was a little "bonfire testimony time" with a group of friends.
Since then the biggest thing I think I've learned was: Don't take your trust out of God and into someone else for even a second.
After that camping trip I felt I finally had a good grip on my trust in God to heal me, but the second I found an easier way to "heal" me, I put my trust in that instead.
The power of healing is not in us and is not in others; It's ALL in God. I spent a year trying to be healed MY way, yet I'm just as or even more broken now than I was before.

I don't mean for this to sound negative or to say "Don't trust people.", I just want this to be read as a warning to those who tend to put their trust in people more than they do in God.
I don't see any of this as a "punishment" for not trusting God to heal me this past year, I truly do just believe my "healing" didn't work out for me because only God is fully capable of healing me. He's not punishing me, He's just simply trying to get my attention and show me that He really does want the best for me, and that only HE can offer that.
Well, lesson learned, God. On October 11th this year I am going to start all over; just like I did last year on that night. But this time... I trust NO ONE but God to heal me from my past AND NOW this year's damage too.

Heal me, God,... I'm all Yours. : )

Rain, Rain Come Again!

2009-10-03T01:22:00.000-07:00

Lol so on the night of September 21st, I had a dream that our first rain since all this summer heat was gonna be on October 4th (which was the day of our first rain last year too), and a couple days ago I went on the internet to check what the weather's gonna be like this week, and it says it's supposed to drizzle on Sunday morning... October 4th. : ) I hope my dream comes true! : D
Haha who knows if it's really gonna happen, but that would be awesome if it does. I don't remember what rain feels like... I hope to be awake when it happens.
Please rain!
: )

Lack Power, Gain Faith : )

2009-09-22T19:27:00.000-07:00

Today was my first time ever shooting a real gun! : )
And going shooting today made me realize something:
I loved the power I held in my hands today, yet I know I really shouldn't have that power because I don't completely understand how to use it and what kind of damage I'm capable of doing with it.
Though, that's not just with a gun, of course. That applies with all different kinds of power. Today I realized that I don't really enjoy embracing power as a thing of mine. I don't seek power. And I think that's what makes some people's walk with God a little different; stronger in some areas than other areas in their faith.
And I honestly think that it's my lack of desire for power that helps me trust in God and His ways more.

I don't know, for the past year I've felt a little down on myself for never wanting to be in control (and in some cases, yes, being in control is a good thing), but now I'm actually glad that I don't desire to be in control of everything. I don't desire power. I would rather the power be in the hands of someone Greater, someone who knows what they're doing and understands the power they're in control of.

I would much rather give all power to God than to embrace it for myself and risk damaging innocent lives. I care too much about the people around me to take such power that doesn't even belong to me. If God places a certain kind of power in my hands, I will gladly use it in the best way I possibly can; but after today, I realized I do NOT desire power, and now I can see why that could be a good thing.

I'm up for defending myself in any situation I have to, and I will accept to take control of what GOD hands me... but I will not seek something that isn't meant for me to posses. ; )

ANYWAY... Shooting was fun, but now I have a new adventure to go on in just hours ahead of me...
Disneyland! : D

The Black Light Dream

2009-09-21T00:25:00.000-07:00

Last night I had an interesting dream. Pretty detailed too. I looked it up online to see what it might symbolize, and it seemed to match pretty well. One of the meanings it gave me was "vengeful feelings...".
All day today I couldn't stop thinking about my dream. I know I will never forget it. I kept wondering what the reason was for me having it.
Well, tonight at The Vine was pretty special, I think, because it talked about FORGIVENESS. Now I feel like my dream was a sign that I have this bitterness towards someone and I need to forgive that person for the reason I have that bitterness for them. (Did that make sense?)
God also reminded me that I HAVE TO KEEP PRAYING! Last night before I went to bed, I was really angry and told God I was done with praying (not in general but just for something specifically).
Well today He told me something interesting: I need to clean out my heart by forgiving someone and letting go of that bitterness, and then I have to keep praying. Those are the two hardest things for me to do right now, but He's right: my relationship with Him won't be right until I do.

But now I have a question: If you forgive someone, are you supposed to tell them you forgive them? Or do you just forgive them in your heart and move on? I really don't know what to do after I've "forgiven" them. I want to mean it if I say it, but I don't want to say it unless they actually care to hear it.

Whatever. I'm gonna go to sleep. I had a good laugh in my seat at The Vine tonight... thank you, God, for telling me things I didn't want to hear. ; )

Maybe tonight I'll have a better dream? Goodnight. : )

Pointless Short Blog

2009-08-26T01:27:00.000-07:00

The other night God answered my call so fast that it didn't even get a chance to ring...
Since then I've been speechless.

And last night I asked, "God, should I start praying again? I need to know if it's safe for me to keep praying..."
And God simply replied with... "Yes. Pray."

I never thought I'd have to ask God if it's "safe" to pray for something, but I did.
See, praying for something was giving me a connection that I didn't want.
How can I keep myself from thinking about something if God wants me to keep praying for it?
Well, thinking about that made me question why I'm praying for it. Is it for my own satisfaction or do I really care for it?

Well, I still don't really know... so I think I'll go ask God. : )

Nearly-Perfect Day

2009-08-21T02:16:00.000-07:00

I'm dying to go to sleep, so I'm making this a little short...

Today was like a crazy miracle or something. It was like one of the best days I've had all year. It was nearly a perfect day.
It's probably because I begged God for the chance to prove something to myself. I begged God to give me one day to make things right. I begged God for one day to be normal.

I find it interesting that I heard that song "I have a feeling... that tonight's gonna be a good night!" three times today... And indeed, tonight was a good, good night. : )

I'm going to end such a nearly-perfect day and night with a dream now... Goodnight. : )

The Vine

2009-08-20T00:35:00.001-07:00

I find it important for some reason to mention how much I really appreciate The Vine.

For me personally, I find pretty much everything I need at The Vine.

The Vine has truly changed my life. It's my emotional support and time to surrender all my fears, worries and problems to God. The messages and worship are like arrows that go straight to my heart; they have a powerful sting to them. A good one.
The Vine was where I found the friends I had been praying for. The leaders I needed in my life.

Almost a year ago I joined the Greeting Team to serve God and the church that helped change my life.
Now, I'm sure everyone knows I'm not the most social person... so joining the Greeting Team was definitely uncomfortable for me at first. But I have friends as witnesses who could now probably tell you that I'm not as shy as I used to be... I have grown more comfortable with meeting and talking to people. I have also grown closer to some people because of it.
And I truly enjoy seeing the look on people's faces as they walk in the doors while looking at their bulletin, wondering "What is all this?". Because I remember thinking the same thing the first night I walked in those doors. And I know for a fact that The Vine has now changed some of their lives too.

But of course, none of this change could have taken place without God. It was through The Vine that God answered HUNDREDS of my prayers. The Vine isn't just a church service... it's a meeting place God set up for people who need freedom, comfort, prayer, friends, leaders, support, guidance, worship, laughter... GOD.

I'm saying all this because God keeps reminding me that I'm not who I was. And I'm very thankful. I've thanked God plenty of times for that, but I felt the need to express my appreciation for what being a part of The Vine has done for me.

So thank you to all who've made The Vine the wonderful experience it has been and still is to me. : )

(And thank you Sarah for inviting me! : )

In Love

2009-08-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

I don't have much time to post, but I was thinking about something.

I was just sitting in the car after talking to a friend on the phone, and it made me think about dating and relationships and stuff. I asked myself (early during the day too): What is love? How do you know you're "in love"? Can REALLY liking someone even though they don't like you the same way count as being "in love"? If so, then I guess you could say I've been in love before. But because it sounds so wrong to me, so unreal, then maybe it was never love. How would you know?
I never thought I'd say this, but when it comes to love, God's love is easier to understand. I have no questions when it comes to God's love. I'm actually able to recognize when I'm "in love" when it comes to God. Seems like the easiest and most filling love out there to me. But if it's so easy and filling, then why can't I enjoy it as much as I should?
Here's what I think: I think I'm looking for a "buy one get one free" deal. I guess I expect that just because I love God and He loves me, God will give me a guy to love who will also love me.
"God is all for love! Love, love, love! If I love God, God loves me, and I love this guy, then why wouldn't God let this guy love me too?"
That's my problem. I expect something from God that He never promised to me.
Maybe I will get married one day. Maybe I won't. Whatever God's plans are for me definitely require time. I don't know about anyone else, but when I want something to be at its best, I take my time on it. When I'm getting ready and want my hair to look its best, I'll take my time on it. When I'm writing in my journal and I want to be very detailed, I'll take my time on it. If you have the time, then why not take it and make something at its best? God has ALL the time in the UNIVERSE and everywhere we can't imagine... why would He rush His plans for you just because you "love" Him and think you deserve a relationship because of it?
I'm not telling this to anyone other than myself. I just need to realize that just because I have a relationship with God DOESN'T mean I deserve a relationship with a guy just because I want it.
I was completely happy and content with the love I had for God last November. I KNEW I was "in love" with God. I miss that love. The only time I was familiar with what being in love meant was when I had that love for God. And I remember it also being the HAPPIEST time...

I wanna be IN LOVE with God, and IN LOVE with His timing for the guy He might be preparing for me! I wanna be in love with God while I wait... not anxious.

I love Love. : )

Time To Prepare

2009-07-18T04:42:00.000-07:00

Yay for Sam letting me borrow her computer while she's borrowing my bed tonight!

This past Thursday's Life Group (which was only my 2nd one) definitely wasn't my night. The teaching really didn't have much to do with me... but it made me so happy! I feel like this week has been my "relaxing time"; I'm preparing for what's about to come (which God has already told me is going to come). God is strengthening me up this week.

I know without a doubt battles are coming down the road, but until then, I'm going to enjoy the time off God has been giving me. I've needed this. God knows I have. I told Him so. : )

I believe I might have until Sunday... which would now be tomorrow. : /

But I could be wrong. I'm hoping I'm wrong. I need more time!

I'm way too sleepy to get into this. Kinda sucks cause I won't have a chance like this for another little while.

Good night/morning!

The Story Of My Baptism

2009-07-14T10:13:00.000-07:00

Yay for having a computer for a day! : )

Beach baptisms were awesome! While I was watching others get baptized in the ocean, I couldn't believe that I was one of them two years ago! That was the last time I actually went in the ocean. More than I am afraid of being in the ocean, I'm pretty grossed out by being in it. That's why I'm so surprised that I got baptized in it!
Now that I'm already talking about it, I feel like sharing my story of my baptism.

I'll start off by saying that July 15th, 2006 was one of the worst days of my life (yet good did came from it later... ). I had never been baptized before, but I wanted to really bad. When I was about 9 or 10, I remember asking my mom "Mom, when can I get baptized?".

So exactly one year later, July 15th, 2007, I had only been going to The Vine for a month and a half, and they were having Baptisms at the Beach that day. I hardly knew people, and my dad had just gotten back from a 3-week trip to Greece, so I didn't plan on going to the baptisms... plus I hated the beach at the time... Though I did want to get baptized on that specific day.
Well, after my youth group service ended, I was sitting in front of the church waiting for my dad to pick me up when one of my friends/former youth leader called me, asking me if I wanted to go to the beach baptisms.
So I ended up going.

Though I didn't like the beach, I was happy to be with the few people I did know, instead of being at home remembering the horrible day I had exactly one year ago that day.
I'm not sure how, but even though I was still afraid to do it, Pastor Danny convinced me to get baptized. Three people baptized me: Marty (who was one of the few friends I had at The Vine), Robert Norris (who was my youth pastor I happened to know before I found out he was a pastor ; ), and Pastor Danny Furukawa (who had been helping me with a few things that summer). So not only did I ignore my fear of the ocean and get baptized on the day I wanted to, but the three people who did it were meaningful people to me!

And that's the story. : )
I had one of the best days of my life exactly one year after I had one of the worst days of my life. What a perfect day to be baptized.
Thanks for not getting me baptized earlier, Mom. ; )

I totally wasn't planning on telling my story. I had other other thoughts I was going to post, but my mind got distracted by it.

Tomorrow is July 15th! It's been two years!!!

My Dream Last Night

2009-07-07T16:01:00.001-07:00

Earlier today I went walking around Sonoma a bit. While I was walking, I remembered my dream last night:

Every time I hear this one song that reminds me of someone, I always stop what I'm doing to pray for that person. I figure it must remind me of them for a reason, right?

So last night in my dream, I heard that song come on, so I prayed for that person it reminded me of.

It's funny cause lately I've felt like giving up on praying for them. My prayers for them have really been "God, give me a new hope and a new motivation to keep praying."; I've just been so tired of praying lately.

So now all these funny, interesting little things keep happening that make me want to keep praying. Giving me new hope to keep praying. Last night's dream was a pretty funny one to have. God knows that one way to get my attention is through my dreams. Seriously. I always look really deep into my dreams to try to understand them.

So apparently... GOD WANTS ME TO KEEP PRAYING FOR THEM! DON'T GIVE UP JOHANNA! I've been praying for them for too long to give up now...

The Vine's Message

2009-06-30T09:33:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting to blog all week! I haven't had a computer for over a week, but now I'm at work with my dad... and luckily there's a computer here.

Sunday night was incredibly strange. I went to Port Hueneme to visit my mom that day, and I was really disappointed that I didn't make it back in time for the message at The Vine. I only caught about the last 15 minutes of it. But even THAT was too powerful for me!
I got to The Vine not in such a great mood. Because I came in late, I stood in the back (which is annoying because I realize how easily distracted I get by being able to see every person in the room).
Right after the message and prayer ended, someone leaned over and said something to me that completely surprised me. Only God could have known what I was thinking that day, so only God could have known what I needed to hear. And yes... it really got to me. If I never came late, I wouldn't have heard it.

Anyway... I realize that every Sunday's message is more than I can handle. They're always so incredibly powerful, and I never go home without thinking about it for hours.

God's Plans Are Always Better...

2009-06-20T03:42:00.000-07:00

Tonight was awesome. I had absolutely no plans on going bowling with everyone tonight, but God had a different idea.

There were a few reasons why I didn't want to go bowling tonight. A few days ago, I was sitting in the car telling God I didn't want to go, but if He wanted me to go, then I'll go.

So all day I had no plans on going. Then an hour before bowling, I got a facebook IM from someone, convincing me to go; I really had no good reason not to go.
All the reasons I had not to go were all basically shot down.

I have this whole theme of "fear" going on with me now, so I find it funny that a song from my favorite band came on; it was about not being afraid. : )
I had a great night, and I had plenty reminders of who God is. A lot of my prayers were answered tonight, and by the end of the night, I had no fear anymore.

So why does God do these things? Did He have me go simply just because He wanted me to listen to that song? Did He have me go just to make me smile and laugh? Did He have me go because there was a conversation with someone He wanted me to have? Did He have me go to use me for someone else somehow?
I doubt I'll ever know why He wanted me to go to this party... but I KNOW it was because of GOD that I ended up going.

He completely reminded me of what an amazing God He truly is tonight... maybe that's why He wanted me to go. : )

Well, I'm incredibly sleepy, and I have horrible "growing" pains.
Good night.

Guys

2009-06-18T21:14:00.000-07:00

You know what's really annoying me now? It's that I constantly have to look for guys to like. Unfortunately, I go looking for someone to like when I want to keep my mind distracted from other things. To make me feel better.
There were a few people that I liked a whole lot. (I think they all found out somehow at some point... unfortunately...)

I really have to stop liking so many people. I'm bound to get hurt or disappointed one day... though... I can't say I already haven't before.

(I don't want every guy to assume I like them just cause I'm saying all this though.)

It's just weird cause I don't like anyone right now. And I feel like I should cause I usually do.
I have to stop this! I'm free and I should be happy about it!

I have no crushes or anything right now. I should focus on God while it lasts.

I Need Change

2009-06-18T02:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, well, I've sure been learning a lot lately.
I think I'm desperate for change right now. I'm being held back because of memories; good and bad. Now the world is against me because I don't care enough to get out and learn more about it.

But really though, I've been looking at a lot of bad things about me lately. It's not a bad thing at all though, it's certainly waking me up to a lot of things. I'm being more careful about what I say, what I do, and how I act.
At first, when someone points out all the bad things about you, it does make you feel like garbage. But when you realize all those things are true... it's embarrassing, and you become desperate to change them.
That's exactly where I stand. All this time I've been telling myself "I don't need to be good enough for anyone, I don't care what anyone says about me", but honestly, I do care. It's okay to tell yourself this if you really are doing something right. But if you don't even feel like you're doing enough for yourself, it's possible that you really do just need to do better.
And to prove that I'm "not good enough", let me tell you what I do pretty much every day:

I wake up around 2pm, I stay in bed thinking for at least another hour, I go on myspace and facebook, SOMETIMES I go for two hour walk (and pray), I spend a little time with my family outside, I go to my room and think some more (or fall asleep again), I go on myspace and facebook, I SOMETIMES read my Bible, I go sit in the car to think and pray, I go on myspace and facebook, and I go to sleep... at 5am. Then I do the same thing the next day and through the whole week pretty much.
It sounds nice to those who work; sleep, take a walk, think, pray, read Bible, myspace, facebook, family...
But when this is the only thing going on in your life, when the most you have to look forward to every day is checking myspace or facebook, it's depressing and embarrassing. I hate when people ask me what I do during the day.
Believe it or not, I'd rather go hiking, camping, fishing, skating, walking, or bowling or something. I'd even rather be working somewhere. I hate being home.
But I don't want to have to depend on anyone anymore in order for me to have fun. I want my own life now.

See, I've been giving myself too many excuses for not trying harder (or even at all) to improve my life. No WONDER my Spiritual life has been boring lately: I'm not getting out and challenging myself around other people enough!

This time though, I'm on my own to change things. I am NOT easily motivated, so yes, I do need help from people.
But I guess this is one of those things that I just need to do without emotion. I'm so emotionally drained, that's probably why I'm not so afraid of change right now. I don't have the emotional energy or patience to be afraid of change.

Tonight I realized that I'm officially on my own to study for this GED. Even my help didn't have patience to help me anymore. I let too many people get in my way. I refuse to rely on anyone or anything other than my mind and whatever God has planned for me.

Anyway... I didn't mean for all this to sound so negative towards myself or anyone else. It's just the truth... and I've finally discovered it.
I gotta hold on to this truth and use it to change my life... otherwise... I'm pretty much screwed.

(See that? It's 5am and I'm still not in bed...)
Good night... or morning. : )

Prayer Please

2009-06-07T04:47:00.000-07:00

Alright... Whoever happens to read this, I ask for prayers.
I hate asking for prayer, because I feel like most of the people I ask will either forget or just not care to really pray for me when they say they will.

I feel so emotionally drained with so many different things. Emotionally, I've been having the hardest month.
2009 is nothing like I expected. If it's not worse than 2006, it's at least just as bad... and it's only JUNE.

This GED is the most annoying wall in my life. It's keeping me from things I want and need, yet I'm having a really hard time of climbing it so I can finally get it out of my life.
Family-wise, well, I'm tired of them pointing out this was wall to me constantly. But believe me... I'M COMPLETELY AWARE OF THIS GIANT WALL IN FRONT OF ME.
And every time I think someone's actually going to help me with it, they leave.
Holy crap, this is why I hate asking for help. What I ask for is never what I get.

Driving... Not having my license has never been more annoying to me than now. I've cut back on hanging out with friends and doing special things because I absolutely can't stand asking for rides anymore. Anywhere I go, whoever I hang out with, what time I hang out with them all depends on other people. But no matter how much this all bothers me, it's still not enough to get rid of my fear of driving... ridiculous.

Friends are strange. They're moving, changing, or I just don't hang out with or talk to some of them much anymore. Maybe it's even all of that at once for some of them. All I know is that it's been strange lately.

Family... Well... I think I'm growing more and more impatient with them with some things now.

Anyway; All of this is, without a doubt, weighing down and effecting my emotional, physical and Spiritual health in a bad way.

I pray for hours at night. I read my Bible during the day. I keep believing God WILL do something with my prayers and faith. I just don't know how much longer I have before I finally have some kind of peace.

Yeah, I know, this was a pretty negative post. I'm just really desperate for people's prayers now.
Please pray for me. That's the only help I ask for from you guys.

Stupid "Add Friend" Button...

2009-06-04T01:59:00.000-07:00

Ahh. I wish I waited. Time's up. Now how do I restart?
But this time isn't even close to as bad as the last time I didn't listen to God... and blew up His clock in front of His face.
What's done is done.

ANYWAY...

So I'm sitting here, trying to figure out why I'm so intimidated by people. I spent an HOUR last week, sitting in front of the computer screen, trying to decide if I was going to hit "Add Friend" for someone's Facebook. I couldn't do it.
A couple days later, I tried again.
... I still couldn't do it.

Here I am, once again, ready to hit "Add Friend" on Facebook... and yet I still can't seem to click the stupid button!

There's some people that I would love to get to sit down with and talk to. There's people I would like to get to know better. But for some reason, I can't seem to do it???

I'm going to attempt to click "Add Friend" again now...

Wow, I thought for sure I would succeed that time... FAIL.
What's wrong with me? Why is it so hard for me to add just one person on Facebook?

People are intimidating... or I'm just pathetically afraid of everything and everyone.
Yeah, that last one sounds pretty much right...

I'm gonna try again. I will do it this time!

Kay, after 30 minutes of trying to decide again, I finally did it. I sent the friend request.
... And now I wish I could take it back...
Ah.

Keep Waiting!

2009-06-03T10:52:00.000-07:00

Johanna!!! You have to wait!!! Just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait!
Waiting for answers is hard... but you gotta do it!
Don't let yourself think you know what's best when God is telling you something else!

Dreams are awesome. They sometimes give you advice.

"Just wait..."

2009-06-03T00:26:00.000-07:00

I think I've been learning how to wait more. For the past few weeks, I've been hearing nothing but "Just wait, just wait..." from God. And after a few mistakes of giving in, I've finally learned to "just wait".
Waiting is really hard, but waiting is the answer to problems sometimes.
I have managed to relate this to my fear of spiders...
Here's what I mean: I can't watch anything to do with spiders. If there's a movie or show on that has some kind of spider part, I have to close my eyes or else I'll think about it at night. If I close my eyes, I trust that whoever I'm with will let me know when it's safe to open my eyes. If I don't trust them, then I'll most likely open my eyes at the wrong time and scar myself for the night. God keeps His eyes open while ours are closed. God sees things when we can't. That's why we have to trust He knows the right time for everything.
"Hold on Johanna, just keep your eyes closed until I say it's safe to open them. I'm sure you don't want nightmares about spiders tonight."
When I don't trust that God's looking out for me when I can't see, I use my own judgment for when it's "safe" to do something.
But I have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't make sense for me to make decisions when I can't see anything. God's my lookout. I just have to trust that when He says "Wait", it means "It's not safe yet". I have to trust the One who can see things I can't.

Anyway... God's waiting for me in the car. : )

My Dream Last Night

2009-06-02T15:23:00.000-07:00

I have to post now before I forget the details of my dream last night.

Well first it started out that I had some kind of fight with my mom, so I went and hid in her RV to get away from everyone. It was night, so it was kinda scary. I remember seeing a sock on the floor.
So then the next part of my dream, I saw this pastor that I haven't seen in a while, and he gave me pictures he found of me when I got baptized. Then some friends came over and I told them a story about me calling in to the radio and the people thinking I was 9. And while I was telling my story, that same pastor started singing that "Michael Finnigan" song.

Now for the main part of my dream...

It was weird because I wasn't the main person in the dream. I was watching someone else, as if I was watching someone else's dream.
It started out with this girl (maybe in her 20's) who had a horrible accident: her house exploded while she was in it, but she survived. I saw the explosion happen.
I knew the girl was still living in fear from what happened to her. Next, I saw the girl at a gas station, and she saw her mom parked at the gas pump in front of her. I remember thinking "Poor girl. She's so afraid. What are the chances of a guy robbing her right now...".
Just then, this guy ran up to the girl and pulled a gun on her. He told her to get in the car, and don't drive away until her mom says "Mhm". Her mom was just pumping gas and didn't know all this was going on. She said "Mhm" as a goodbye to her daughter, and the girl and the guy with the gun started backing up slowly, and drove off.
Then I was at a wedding in the chapel of my old school. The bride and a bunch of people were figuring out important details about the wedding. The chapel looked pretty empty since people weren't really there yet. I walked in and was taking pictures of everything set up. Then more people started showing up, and the wedding was about to begin. The bride was on stage with the bridesmaids and groomsmen, smiling and waiting for the groom to come out. The audience was standing in front of the stage instead of sitting. While I was standing there, I looked diagonally to the right in front of me, and I saw that guy with the girl. He was holding on to her wrist so that she couldn't run away, and so that people couldn't tell anything was wrong. They were both dressed nice. Then the guy with the gun gave me some change; pennies, nickles and dimes, and then he yelled at the girl and took it back.
After the wedding, I walked into our backyard and sat by the pool. My sister was in the pool, and we started talking.
End of dream.

It was REALLY long and felt as real as a movie. I felt bad that I couldn't help the girl.

Having It My Way

2009-06-02T05:16:00.000-07:00

I've been learning an important lesson lately: Do WHAT God says, WHEN He says it.

I find that I lose a lot whenever I try to have my own way and don't listen to God. And the stupid thing about it is that I KNOW what the right thing to do is... sometimes.
Last week I told myself I wouldn't do something until God told me to do it. Eventually I got a little impatient without knowing it, and I tried making an excuse of why I had to do it right then. I basically said to God "God, I know I'm supposed to be waiting for Your timing to do this, but please understand why I HAVE to do it now! I need to! Please understand why I can't wait, God!"
I actually sat in the car and BEGGED God to "understand" why I had to have my way.
So I went ahead and had my own way.
Well, now I regret it. Waiting would have been a lot easier than what I put myself through. And the worst part was that I knew I really only had to wait one day. God was telling me to wait ONE DAY; not a week, not a month... ONE DAY. But I couldn't even wait that long. I HAD to have it my way right then.

A month ago, God told me to do something. I was too scared to do it though. It felt like it would be too hard. But I attempted to do it... and then I backed out and told God "I'm sorry, but I can't do it."
Now I'm paying for that mistake too.

Waiting is hard. But getting your way is even harder.

I'd like to finish this, but I'm in a hurry and really have to go.
Just learn from my mistakes and take my advice... DO WHAT GOD SAYS WHEN HE SAYS TO DO IT! Don't try to make excuses of why your way is "better".

After-Dark Prayer

2009-06-01T01:29:00.000-07:00

Tonight's message at The Vine was amazing.
I love when the messages relate to me so much, that I sit there and have to try really hard not to laugh about it. SERIOUSLY.
Nearly EVERY week, I almost have to get up and walk out during the message because it relates to me so well that I start laughing.
And later at the after-dark, I felt the need to go off and pray. So I did. And it was peaceful, and nice, and everything I needed. After that, I really couldn't wait to get home and pray in the car.
So while I was praying in the car, God answered my prayer from earlier at the after-dark. : )

Well, last night I had an interesting dream. I don't remember all of it with great detail, but I do remember one specific part.
For some reason I was at a hospital. Not because something was wrong with me, I was just there.
I remember walking down a hall, and I passed by one of the hospital rooms. I noticed that I knew one of the people in the room, so I went in and asked her why she was there.
She said she was sick with something, but the doctors didn't know what it was. Though they did tell her she was probably going to be okay.
The weird thing is that I don't really know the lady. I only know her by giving her a bulletin when she walks in to the Vine. Makes me wonder what she might really be going through?

Anyway... I'm sleepy now. Good night.

When I Had A Bad Day

2009-05-31T02:20:00.000-07:00

I have a feeling I'm going to be posting about two blogs per day... I just constantly have stuff on my mind that I like getting out. I shoud really go to sleep right now... but I'd rather do this.

Lately things have been pretty cool. God's been doing crazy little things. Monday I think it was, I had no peace that day. It was honestly just an annoying day to me. I've been praying for peace and for God to speak to me all week.
Monday night, I was about to read my Bible. The Bible I have is a study Bible that gives me verses to read every day, with a little paragraph at the top that talks about the verses you're about to read and relates it to your life.
So I read the day I was supposed to read: May 25th. As soon as I finished, I put my head down on my Bible and fell asleep. I missed a couple days of reading before this.
I woke up around 2:30am. I just lifted my head up with my Bible right in front of me still opened. I just stayed like that and thought a whole lot about things that were bothering me about my day.
Well, as I was thinking, I looked down at my Bible and I noticed a title of one of the days I missed... It was, "What To Do When You're Having A Bad Day"!
I'm not sure how it got there, but that's what the Bible was opened to. The day I missed was May 22nd, which was Friday, which I remember was a good day for me. So it was perfect timing for me to read it on Monday instead. So I read the little paragraph and the three chapters it gave me, and I felt A LOT better. Then I went and prayed in the car. : )

WHEN YOU ASK HIM TO, GOD WILL SPEAK TO YOU!
When you ask for peace, He will give it to you.

"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened." ~ Matthew 7:7-8
: )

Because...
"...what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?" ~ Matthew 7:9

And...
"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." ~ 1 Peter 5:7

Go think. Go pray. Go believe in what He says He's gonna do.
Faith truly can move anything as big as a mountain. : )

Good nights. : )

"The light will set you free!"

2009-05-30T22:10:00.000-07:00

I don't really know what to say. I'm at my mom's right now though, so it's pretty boring. She lives an hour away from everyone I know, so we don't leave the house that much.
A couple days ago though, I found out she's gonna move back into her condo on the beach just two minutes from her house. She's gonna rent her house out. That's incredible news for me... I miss the condo. It's just good news for a lot of reasons though.

Well, the night before last night, I had a pretty cool dream. Some of it kinda creeped me out... but the other part was cool.
The first part I remember was being in some kind of theatre or something; like where they play concerts; and there was this little kid, maybe two years old, who wouldn't stop crying. So I tried to get him to stop crying, but he wouldn't stop. It was in a creepy kind of way I can't explain.
Next, my brother (14 years old) was mad at me for something I'm not sure of, so he was chasing me; I think he was gonna try to beat me up or something. So I was running as fast as I could to get away from him. As I was running, everything was kind of shady because the sun was about to go down. Then I saw the sun and started running with as much energy as I had left toward the light. I was pushing myself hard not to give up running towards the light that was left. As I was running, I remember smiling, yelling "The light will set me free!" over and over again. I was running from darkness, but I knew once I caught up with the light that was slowly disappearing, I would be free from whatever was chasing me! Once I stepped into the light, I knew my brother (who in my dream basically symbolized evil in my life) couldn't chase me anymore and had to return to darkness. So with my last few steps, "darkness" still chasing me, I put my hands up and jumped into the light and screamed "I'm free! I'm free! The light has set me free! The darkness can't get me!". Then everything went really bright, and my dream ended... mostly due to getting a text haha. It was an AMAZING and meaningful dream to me.

I've realized though that a lot of my dreams have to do with light and darkness. The message has always been "Keep going until you find the light! Don't give up on the light!"; it's pretty incredible.
But as much as I love my dreams, I also fear them. I've had SO MANY dreams that have really come true, and most of them (if not all of them) were bad ones.
Some dreams (or nightmares) I had would take place in places I don't even visit anymore; but now... my mom is moving back into her condo... and those are one of the places I had a bad dream about. I wasn't expecting to ever go back there, but now it's actually going to happen. So I admit I'm kinda scared. But I'm not fully expecting my dream to come true. I'm just gonna be more aware.

I love dreams though. : )

First Post

2009-05-30T06:41:00.000-07:00

Well to start this off, here's what this is all about...

Myspace is pretty much where I posted the most, but it seems people have kind of abandoned myspace now, and I'd just feel wrong for posting this stuff on Facebook... So I just decided to make another blogspot account for whatever I feel like saying.
I prefer blogspot anyway... I've been using it since like 2004 or 2005, so I'm familiar with it.
And the thing about using myspace is that it makes me kind of nervous. Not that I don't enjoy comments, it's just that because I know people won't really post comments on anything I post on blogspot, it makes me feel more comfortable to be a little more open and honest.
Plus, blogspot doesn't send out any kind of notification to anyone I know every time I post something.
And facebook... well that's just embarrassing. That place is WAY too public to post things on there.
None of this means I'm going to completely stop posting on myspace though. I'm not going to abandon my internet home like that.

So if you actually read my blogs on here, great; you know a little more about me then.
If you don't, that's awesome too... less intimidating for me.

Anyway... there's my first post for you.